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Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
set yourself free xox
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’