The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.