I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.