Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
You Might Also Like
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
how high up are we talkin’?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then