SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
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[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon