Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
You Might Also Like
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light