I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Van Gone
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter