Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
You Might Also Like
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.