When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*