It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus