[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
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Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Holy crap this is wonderful
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.