“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I am, perchance
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.