what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
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“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.