Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.