…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me too
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
bought wrong eggs
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
🤣😂🤣