excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
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took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I mean…but I did
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.