CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.