Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
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The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*