I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Put this video in the Louvre
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window