My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My new favorite headline
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.