I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
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[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Brilliant!