Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
You Might Also Like
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.