[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
You Might Also Like
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer