A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
You Might Also Like
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”