fired
You Might Also Like
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Kids: Stay in school.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*