[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
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Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti