ok this is my dumbest yet
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Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.