[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store