just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
spot the difference
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.