Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
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I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.