[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
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Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I bet
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing