[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
You Might Also Like
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
こいつ天才
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
shit just got real
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?