If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME