Cardio? Is that in Spain?
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I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you