Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
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I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.