Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
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I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Fight
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“HOW” – dyslexic owl