[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
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*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.