[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
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In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus