My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.