Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.