My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…