[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
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I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Yes, this is exactly right
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable