Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do