Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Good morning.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.