My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.