She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.