If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
You Might Also Like
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!