Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
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If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.