A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.