Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
You Might Also Like
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different